Against my best judgment and very nature, I’ve decided to make a concentrated effort to muster up a little bit more positivity on this blog…for at least one week.
To start, here is a list of my five favorite things about the US government shutdown clusterfuck:
1. I got a housewife!*
Having a housewife is the best thing in the world. Caroline has kept busy during her furlough by cleaning, wedding planning, and playing with the monsters during the day so that I don’t have to play with them for so long at night in order to wear them out. It’s absolutely amazeballs.
Also, she’s been going to the gym at noon instead of getting up at 5 am to make her 6 am class. This means that she gets up at 7:30 now and is not as tired by dinner time. Couple that with the fact that she’s bored out of her mind and what you get is a partner that is very happy to see me when I get home and who feels generous enough to make dinner because I had to work all day.
2. Traffic in DC is now at half capacity during rush hour.
Fifteen to twenty percent of the DC workforce is employed by the feds but not all are staying home because some are essential or are masochists who like to drive during the rush. However, since the museums, parks, and zoo have been shut down, tourists are changing their travel plans. Thus, there are less tourons aimlessly floundering about on the road during commute times. The combined effect is a much nicer commute via car as illustrated by the charts below (which serve as anecdotal evidence only and have little basis in reality).
Of course, the Metro is still a nightmare because Metro sucks and DC has decided to only send six cars per train instead of staggering six with eight (as it usually would) in order to compensate for the lack of feds. Therefore, I would recommend luxuriating in a drive while you can.
Um, yeah. And there’s a ‘best of’ list if you’re feeling lazy.
4. Congressmen are free game.
Everyone likes to pick on Congress because, let’s face it, they deserve it. But only now are they getting to feel the full extent of the hatred of the American people. Now, we can make fun all damn day. Please take a moment to enjoy this amazing representation of John Boehner making a cameo in the Wrecking Ball video:
5. Something witty here.
Honestly, I don’t have a number five. I just thought you’d feel better if I made it an odd-numbered list and three items didn’t seem like enough. I hope you’ve enjoyed this break from my workday as much as I have.
* This is a joke and I would appreciate it if my fellow feminists (you, too, Caroline) could see it in their hearts to not give me grief about it. Thanks! xoxox, L